I had promised myself I would practice writing and painting during COVID. I swore to myself that I had to keep the bloodletting going, as if my perennial depression could be suppressed somehow by word vomit. I call it this because people hate reading and talking about depression, especially if you are a believer in Jesus. My friends, I am a believer. I love Jesus, and yet, because of things done to me and because of things I have done to myself, I struggle deeply with depression. You can read the entries in my blog and see that clearly.
Pain and suffering has dulled me. My intellect has slipped. But I am okay with this. COVID wrecked the whole country. In the space of the last three years, my foster son Devlyn came back and then his mother moved to town from California, she’s sober, she has a stable job, and she has an apartment. It was another loss, though I am happy that he gets to be with his mother.
A loss upon many losses. But in the darkness, I hold tight to the Hand that keeps me safe. My world is changing at lightning speed, and I feel the spinning, dizzying fear creeping up. But even deeper than my fear and anxiety is a Love from a God who has loved me deeply, in my darkest and most desperate moments. I thought I knew that suffering ended. I did believe that once. But I see it now. Life is a vapor and a mist, and when you love with the deep and intimate love of Christ, things get broken. The world is fallen, and it will wreck you to love the way Jesus does. I have been wrecked several times and am wrecked now.
Despite all of this, I beg you, love like Jesus does. Despite my hurts and scars and pains that I speak of, don’t hesitate. My friends, reach out, risk, jump, run and fall in love with orphans, visit the widows, take care of your neighbor’s pet and plants, reach and reach, like a branch stretching to the light. I beg you. Push through your feelings. Push outside of your selfishness and follow Christ into the mess of life. Please. People like me need you to…I need you to see that I don’t regret my pain. I need you to see the beauty that came from it, and how the kingdom of God runs on this community of glorious mess. And though I seem independent, I need you, Church. I need you to come into the mess of ministry and fostering with me. I don’t need your pity or words about strength I don’t have. I need you to see my heart broken, and hold my hand quietly over it. I need your shoulder to sob into. I need to know that you see us. And I have sweet friends that do this. God-given wonderful friends, but most of the time we are all isolated in our comfortable islands. I challenge that. Church, we need each other. We need Jesus and we need each other. Please risk your comfort and plans for the lowly. Please give up what makes you happy to do hard things for the kingdom. Please show the world that Jesus is alive and what we do as a Church matters. Show me. Show them…Jesus’ love is worth being uncomfortable and even wrecked for. I would never take it back in a thousand years. Something beautiful is being born in these ashes and I’m waiting. But the American Church is asleep. I’m just waiting for her to stop caring about the political power. I’m waiting for her to see the riches of God’s love in giving up, in dying to ourselves, in being spent for others. Wake up, O Sleeper...
"But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, 'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. "--Ephesians 5:13-17
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